The Official Jokes Thread

So.. post up some jokes here

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."


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Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"


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This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"

The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay."

Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"

The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE'S gay."

Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.

Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe, I want you to fix me up with every damn drink you got in the house!"

Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"

The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."

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Q: What do bricks and Fat girls have in common

A: They both get laid by mexicans

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This bear and this rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they find an old lamp. They rub it to get the dust off and *poof* a magic genie appears.

Magic genie says, "Oh thank you, my new masters, for you have awakened me from a 10,000 year sleep. In gratitude, I will give you each 3 wishes."

The bear thinks and says "I wish all the female bears in the world lived in this forest." *Poof*. All the female bears in the world live in this forest.

Rabbit thinks a moment too before saying "I wish I had a motorcycle." *Poof*. A little rabbit-sized motorcyle appears in front of the rabbit.

The bear snorts and says, "That's a really stupid wish, rabbit! Quit wasting them!"

Then the bear says, "For my second wish, I want all the female bears to love me." *Poof.* All the female bears love the bear.

Rabbit smiles a little to himself and says "I wish for a crash helmet!" *Poof*. A tiny crash helmet appears in the rabbit's paws.

Bear looks at the rabbit, really annoyed by now, "You dumb rabbit! You're wasting all your wishes! For my last wish, I want to be the only male bear in the world." *Poof* The bear's the only male bear in the world.

Rabbit grins, puts on his crash helmet, hops on his motorcycle, revs it up and rides off, calling back as he goes, "I wish for the bear to be gay..."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the
store, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist, and he wonders, "What's so
funny about buying a rubber, anyway?"

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to
follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom,
starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to
follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you
follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

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One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

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Lol good ones, the only one i had heard b4 was the one with the bear and the rabbit....

Here goes one....




So a man walks in to a bar and asks the bartender to give him seven beers.

The bartender says wow whats the occasion?

He says I just had my first blow job!

The bartender says - congratulations, heres one on the house!

He replies, no thanx, if seven beers won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think eight will!

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Three friends are traveling, they stop at a hotel to sleep,

and there getting their room and the guy says sorry boys but we only got one room and it's only got one bed,

the guys are so beat they just accept it and get to their room n go to sleep,

the next morning the guy on the right woke up and said I just had a great dream!

He said, I just dreamed i had a hand job!

The guy on the left said, "no way!" I had the same dream !

The guy in the middle said thats cool guys, I had a good dream to, I dreamed i was skiing !!!!

very corny:


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-
a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
b) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.
d) Beer has never caused a major war.
e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.
g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.
h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.
I) You can prove you have a beer.
j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, since she had been following him for a long time.

She said she was fine and told him her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.










A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

irish man: Do you have some Irish in you?
girl: no.
man: want some?

STRiKER45 wrote:

irish man: Do you have some Irish in you?
girl: no.
man: want some?

never heard that before

STRiKER45 wrote:

irish man: Do you have some Irish in you?
girl: no.
man: want some?

lmfao that was wack

haha yeah i say that to chicks all the time

STRiKER45 wrote:

haha yeah i say that to chicks all the time

when you say chicks, do you mean dudes? and when you say all the time, do you mean just this one time in this thread?

Browns GM: Phil Savage wrote:

STRiKER45 wrote:

haha yeah i say that to chicks all the time

when you say chicks, do you mean dudes? and when you say all the time, do you mean just this one time in this thread?

ouch

GM~Vince Lombardi wrote:

Browns GM: Phil Savage wrote:

STRiKER45 wrote:

haha yeah i say that to chicks all the time

when you say chicks, do you mean dudes? and when you say all the time, do you mean just this one time in this thread?

ouch

lol +1

no by chicks, i mean humans that have and were born with vaginas...not ugly ones for the record...not all the time...its a fucking joke asshole stop flaming over the internet

STRiKER45 wrote:

no by chicks, i mean humans that have and were born with vaginas...not ugly ones for the record...not all the time...its a fucking joke asshole stop flaming over the internet

must have hit a sensitive spot

STRiKER45 wrote:

no by chicks, i mean humans that have and were born with vaginas...not ugly ones for the record...not all the time...its a fucking joke asshole stop flaming over the internet

isnt this a jokes thread

www.raygoldmodels.com

alt-F4
then hold enter

easy to get that off

and we seen that shit a million times it was obvious to me what it was I didnt even click it Bill Parcells up there proved to me that I was right

lol any of yall heard dead baby jokes?,,,,,

whats the difference between a pile of bricks and a pile of babies?...you cant pick up bricks with a pitchfork

how many babies it take to paint a house?...depends how hard u throw them

i got more if u want